Skulls in the Stars

Ted Cruz attempts to be human


A quiet week on the blog, as I’m traveling.  In the meantime, I’ve been thinking again how Ted Cruz has such an unnatural demeanor that he is either the Zodiac Killer or an alien infiltrator, seeking to destroy our planet from within.  While musing the latter possibility, I started posting examples on Twitter, and I thought I’d share them here.  They’ve been quite popular on Twitter, so I suspect I might be onto something.

First up: Cruz demonstrates that he is a normal guy, just like you or me.

“Yes, I have engaged in the biological reproductive process with a female of your species.”

He is also highly patriotic, and familiar with all the customs of our country.

“I am happy to pledge allegiance to the multicolor fabric symbol of your country.”

Like every other Earth-person, however, Cruz isn’t all about work: he can get down and party.

“Let us raise the top barrier of your manufactured protective shelter from the elements!”

Ted is quite the comedian, too, and has a repertoire of jokes that he’s been saving since childhood.

“A priest, an atheist, & an acolyte of Zargon walk into an alcohol distribution facility.”

(That last was is, by far, my most popular tweet ever.)

As a future master human statesman, Cruz has learned how to properly calm down people in a crisis situation.

“Bro, you must lower your core temperature to a level that will diffuse this conflict.”

He’s quite the singer, too, and knows by heart the lyrics to all the classics.


(Later, that same photo inspired another post that was too long for Twitter.)

♫ It is like dihydrogen monoxide precipitationnnnnnn… on the diurnal period of your nonsecular nuptialsssss… ♫
♫ It is like an unbilled spatial translationnnnnnn… when the vehicle operator has already been compensatedddd… ♫

No matter what, Ted wants you to know that he’s a natural born citizen.

“I was born in this conglomerate of quasi-independent nation-states, and certainly did not come from anywhere upwards.”

No matter what, however, Cruz is looking out for your freedoms.

“I fully support the right of homo sapiens to carry armaments that launch ballistic projectiles through a rapid chemical reaction.”

And he’s one of us!

“Just like you, I possess a quintet of digits on my rightmost upper appendage.”

With this silliness out of the way, more science & weird fiction next week…

P.S. for clarity: being an alien does not preclude Ted Cruz from also being the Zodiac Killer.


UPDATE: I keep coming up with more attempts of Ted Cruz to act like a human.  He still doesn’t get it, though.

“Do a small rhythmic motion! Make a brief copulation! Nocturnally lower your elevation!”

As Ted Cruz once defended a law against masturbation, he felt he should clear the record about his own habits.

“I have never engaged in auto-erotic stimulation in which one of my hands is in this shape.”