Okay, now I think we can make this official: Hollywood is completely out of novel ideas. We started to suspect that this was the case when they started remaking very old classics such as King Kong, but at least there was an argument that those older films could use a high-tech facelift. Then they started remaking classic films which were nearly perfect, such at The Haunting and The Day the Earth Stood Still, and completely botched them. When Hollywood’s favorite muse became the videogame industry, one might be forgiven for assuming they had run out of ideas then.
But no, July 2009, is the official month the movie industry ran out of ideas. From IMDB:
Classic 1980s computer game Asteroids is crashing onto the big screen – the arcade hit is set for a Hollywood movie makeover.
Universal Pictures bosses have snapped up the rights to make a film out of Asteroids, and are said to have given G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra director Lorenzo Di Bonaventura the job of breathing life into the project.
If you’d like to see an image of the project they’re “breathing life” into, look no further:
Yeesh… one hopes that this is some sort of surreal joke…
Oh, yeah, Asteroids! I used to play it in graduate school.
As long as they keep their bloody mitts off Centipede!
. . . .
Actually, turning an arcade game into a summer action blockbuster has one good aspect: it’s a horizontal move. (You’ve seen the trailer for Pac Man: The Movie, right?) This has much less risk of catastrophic expectation-dashing than, say, taking a long-running SF franchise which at its best grappled with real ideas and turning it into a fist-slamming romp through a special-effects warehouse.
(Yes, I’m looking at you, J. J. Abrams. I know you’ll just dismiss me as a geek with $900 Romulan ears and an IDIC for special occasions, but did the world really need a remake of Star Wars: A New Hope with names lifted from Trek? Let’s see: a dark-themed villain with Imperial Roman trappings who killed the hero’s father is running around in a giant construction bigger than any other ship in space, blowing up planets. Congratulations — you’ve brought the Trek phenomenon into the shiny new year of 1977!)
Blake: Hmm… I was going to write a lengthy synopsis for a “Centipede” trailer to irritate you, but the Pac Man: The Movie trailer pretty much hit all the notes I was thinking…
I can see doing something like “Myst” and building out the story but Asteroids? What the heck do you write a screen play about with that?
The Wife wrote: “What the heck do you write a screen play about with that?”
I can’t understand the reasoning behind it. It’s not like spaceships flying around big rocks in space is a copyrighted idea (see Armageddon, Deep Impact, The Empire Strikes Back, etc.). And there’s no real exciting concept unique to Asteroids that would draw people in. Perhaps they figure people will come just for the novelty of it?
Well, just because they secured the rights doesn’t mean they’re going to actually make the film. I hope.
Besides, they already made Armageddon.
Joshua: Yeah, I was thinking that Michael Bay would be the perfect choice to direct an Asteroids film. He’s the only one who can truly bring out the character in a big rock.
Besides, if he were to make Asteroids, it would hopefully keep him from ruining some good franchise…
Wow, that’s a weird choice. I used to love that game though… maybe in the movie there’s an asteroid heading for Earth and they shoot it down, but it only splits in half and then there’s TWO heading for Earth, and then they shoot them down and suddenly there’s FOUR heading for Earth. OH NOES!
Srsly, sounds crap.
And the last of those four asteroids flies past the Earth, and everyone thinks they’re safe. . . BUT IT JUST REAPPEARS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE SKY.
CS wrote: “maybe in the movie there’s an asteroid heading for Earth and they shoot it down, but it only splits in half and then there’s TWO heading for Earth…”
And at the end of the movie, the heroes will get killed by an asteroid which wraps around from one side of the screen to the other! 😛
OK, I guess there are only so many jokes one can make about Asteroids!
(Which kind of kills the momentary impulse I had to write a screenplay for it on my blog. . . Sigh.)
Blake: I don’t know — for instance, nobody has yet commented on how awesome the Asteroids music would make as a musical score!
Funny you should mention that. Ever since I read this post, I’ve had the noises my Atari 400 used to make going through my head: “Mur-murp. Mur-murp. Mur-murp. [alien spaceship appears] twitwitwitwitwitwitwiboom! Mur-murp. Mur-murp. . . .”
I’m sure Asteroids is going to look Oscar-worthy next to the remake of The Incredible Mr. Limpet – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Incredible_Mr._Limpet#Remake
I wish I were kidding.
Laelaps wrote: “I wish I were kidding.”
Okay, now I’m convinced — there is no God! :O
Yeah they bought the -name- and trademarks so they can call the movie “Asteroids”. That makes sense.
Hollywood, ideas? I was just reading about how John Gilbert felt betrayed when he signed with MGM in 1927 because all the scripts were moronic. I think that is just the great Hollywood tradition.
Time for an update. I have seen no further information on Asteroids, but … have you watched Battleship?